Winter definitely is around the corner. Also, as for me, the second stage of the treatment is approaching with big steps too. The chemo tanking is finished – not its side effects, yet, though. It really is a relief that now the only time I am going to the chemo suite is when I want to visit the wonderfully friendly nurses there! J I still am reminded of the treatment every day, as my flesh is not catching up with my lively spirit at all! L The energy levels are rather low which is hard to understand for my two little boys. The oldest one who is 8, is aware that mummy’s not yet very well and is trying to be helpful, but his little brother who is 6, cannot yet comprehend what such an illness and treatment can do to a human body – and I totally understand that he doesn’t have to understand. I often feel guilty that I cannot do as much with them as I used to. I know it will change in time, I believe it will, but in the meantime, every day is a challenge as simple tasks are no longer so simple…. I am not used to making too much fuss about how I feel and I don’t want to for the sake of the boys – it has a downside, however. If I don’t look sick, but smiling and bubbly as usual – people think all is well and leave me to go through this experience alone, with their prayers, of course, but practically alone, as in having to run all the errands and carry on with daily routine and duties on my own…. Last week I braved changing a light bulb in the kitchen and ended up kissing the floor with my bum 😉 My head decided it would make me feel like on a roller coaster when I climbed the stool and so my body followed the feeling and I landed on the floor…. Doing silly things like washing, cooking, etc. require extended time of horizontal meditation afterwards….. and I end up not doing all that should be done, so am feeling frustrated and guilty…. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but knowing doesn’t always automatically mean the emotions vanish or subside, at least.
So, the Catch 22 (one of a few at least) is that if I moaned and groaned about how I feel, I might get help, but the help would probably be accompanied by pity which I do not need and, frankly speaking, I do not feel like groaning and moaning…. I still am grateful for all the things that I have in my life and find life beautiful despite all the challenges I have been facing this year…. So, whinging is out of my character really…. I do not pretend when I smile, but the smile really does not mean that all is well…….. and I want not looking after and assistance….
Sometimes I envy people who are able to look needy enough to attract practical help from their family and friends. 😉
My philosophy in life still is
‘Smile, even though your heart is aching….’ … but hoping someone will love me enough to be there, always be there… 🙂